“True” Story. . .I Went to Hell!

Tomorrow in Hell

With a burning desire to speak out and a (very thirsty) tongue-in-cheek. . .

The following is a “true” story (feel free to ignore the quotations).

So many people are writing “true” stories of going to Heaven.

Well, I may be the first to tell this incredible, truer than “true” story. . .

I went to Hell!  And came back to tell the world about it (and hopefully write a bestseller and have a blockbuster movie made!).

I might have been dreaming but one mid-afternoon, as a lay on my lawnchair (haven’t had one for years, but it appeared and I had to use it) looking up into the sun coming through the trees, a black and white bird landed on the branch above me and something dropped.  When I opened my eyes. . .

I was in HELL.

I didn’t know what else to call it.  It was just so. . .hellish.

I stood on the edge of a burning lake and looked down at my melted sandals.  It was hot, but “hot” can’t describe the heat.  It was like standing on the surface of the SUN, but since I’ve never done that–you just have to believe me when I say it was HOT.

This is a short “true” story, so let me describe what I saw:

All around this lake were people (and a lot of dogs), and thousands, millions, maybe billions, were swimming too.  They almost looked like they were having fun, diving in, catching some rays and getting great exercise, but their screams gave it away:  this was Suffering Central–the anti-paradise.  I couldn’t tell if the the howls were louder from the people or the dogs.

Then something truly awful happened.  I started to recognize people (and a dog that once bit me).  I saw children I used to play with in school; I saw some of my cousins; I saw my dear, sweet grandmother and my cigar-chewing grandfather.  Then, Oh Hell, I saw some of my beloved teachers and. . .then the worst:  My Parents!  This can’t be!  My parents were good churchgoing people.  Among the kindest, most loving people I’ve ever known.  Dad mowed the church lawn every week, gave generously to the offering plate, said grace before Every meal, and had a very deep faith (I thought!).  Mom was my great inspiration!  Why were these good folks here in Hell?

Oh, it gets worse!

I waded into the firey lake (the sand was getting hot. . .oddly, the lake fire was slightly cooler), and I was startled to see Neanderthals and African peoples I’d read about in National Geographic.  There were Vikings and Goths and Mongols, Romans and, as far as I could see, every Religion was represented (I could tell from the symbols on their bathing suits).  I saw endless faces of people of all colors and languages from all lands, screaming out in their own tongues.  It was almost beautiful. . .a Choir. . .almost.

This couldn’t be!  Suddenly swimming up to me:  Socrates, Plato, Aristotle, Emperor Marcus Aurelius, then, George Washington!  What!?  Then Jefferson and Lincoln and John Muir!  John Muir??

Ok, I had to ASK someone what was going on here?

Just at that moment, a white-robed figure glowing brighter than all the fire appeared beside me and put his hand on my shoulder.  I recognized him–or maybe it was Her–:  it was GOD!  Well, I guessed it was God and can’t say I’d seen him before, but I KNEW it must be The One.

A calm voice spoke:  “My child.  I know you’re confused.  This is a pretty bad scene.  Don’t be afraid.  You see you’re not alone.  You are here to suffer with good company.  And don’t worry, all you see and feel is a part of my divine plan of Love.”

I stared at this bright, smiling face with a skeptical expression.

The voice continued:  “I know it must be hard to believe, but everyone you see here deserves to be burned alive–well, actually, burned dead–for the rest of their lives–that is, the rest of their restless death.  Sorry, even I get a little confused sometimes about this.

You see, I created this place, what you call HELL, because I love you all so very, very much!  I know that’s hard to swallow (oh, here, have a scalding cup of tea to sooth your scorching throat–[I think I saw a slight grin]).  Everyone you see here, from the beginning of time, will be tortured here in this exquisitely-designed pit of punishment because of one thing:

They just didn’t believe in Me. . .the REAL Me. . .the ONLY ME that matters. . .the correct Me that the world needs to believe in to be saved from this eternal execution.

If they’d only believed in Me–the LORD of LOVE. . . .”  He seemed to get choked up a little at that.

Looking around, I could see something that looked like a tear coming down his face, but it quickly evaporated in the heat.

I couldn’t cry.  I couldn’t speak.  This made absolutely no sense, but I knew it would be futile to argue with the Creator of the Universe, especially the Creator of a place so awful and terrible and murderously monstrous.

He continued to try to explain this amazing sight before me. . .but I quietly waded deeper into the lake.  He seemed lost in thought and mumbling on about his “abiding love” and “compassionate justice” and “true faith.”  As the burning waters closed over my head I saw Ben Franklin swimming by with Thomas Paine, Walt Whitman was floating on his back beside Abraham Lincoln, pointing up to what looked like shooting stars and comets on the ceiling of the sooty chamber.  I caught a glimpse of a team led by Susan B. Anthony playing a hot game of flaming volleyball with the Planned Parenthood team.

I woke up in my lawnchair.  The sun was hot on my face.  I was so relieved to breathe the cool air and touch a hand to my head.

I knew it was all “true.”

I was REALLY there!  Really in HELL!  It’s REAL!

This is the truest “true” story you will ever hear.  And I know exactly what it MEANS!  It’s now my mission to spread the Word.

Listen close.  This may be the most important message you EVER hear!  The greatest question you’ll ever ask!

Are you ready for it?

WHO would make such a place as Hell?


{private note to publishers and film producers:  I’m available.  Oh, and I need a new lawnchair, please}

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2 thoughts on ““True” Story. . .I Went to Hell!

  1. Brilliant. I used to torture myself over how it could be possible that my “living god” could send so many people to hell. It’s nonsensical to fathom such a benevolent creator would do such a thing.

    Great post.

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